There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What a dumb baby whore.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
