He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
