Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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