I accidentally had phone sex last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
