Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
