it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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