I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The air was thick with penises
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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