well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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