I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
