Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
