Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
