i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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