i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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