You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
