Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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