im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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