nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
