We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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