Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
