Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
