Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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