Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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