Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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