I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
