Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
