I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i think im in europe. pls send help
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