My room smells like vodka and shame
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
