As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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