Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
