yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
