just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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