I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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