He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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