I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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