If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
