life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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