But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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