FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
