i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You have to summon your inner elephant
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
