I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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