I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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