It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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