Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
