I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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