he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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