The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
