sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
