i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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