What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
