ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
