My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
