I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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